Something's Gonna Happen

Baby Daddy Travels

I was intending to drive to Chicago this weekend to meet up with my love, Benjamin. However, this weekend's weather caused my "Baby Mama Red Flag Alert," to go off. Friday afternoon, Ben and I texted back and forth about canceling our Chicago weekend, until Ben suggested that he would just drive to Indy.

Against our better judgment, we both agreed that this was a great idea. Granted, the weekend was excellent, I'd much rather us be safe rather than sorry. Ben's drive to Indy was easy compared to his trip back. He had a near-death experience. See here: http://benkilbarger.blogspot.com/2010/12/unbearable-whiteness-of-being.html.

I'm so glad you're home safe and sound.

Weekend Holla!

Our weekend in Indy was full of lots of love and watermelon. That's right, watermelon. A new craving. During our meditation/sitting, for approximately 20 minutes my mind was hijacked by the lush fantasy of juicy, rich watermelon. After our sitting, we went to the nearest grocery, wal-mart (gag) and bought two watermelons. I would like you to visualize how I carried the watermelons, so that they didn't look like, well, you know, melons. Ben was carrying our new Egyptian Mattress Pad. Egyptian > or < regular cotton mattress pad? We didn't know, but we agreed that the lady on the front of the considerably more expensive Egyptian Mattress Pad was way hotter and looked more rested than the crappy advertisement on that regular cotton pad. Saturday was very fulfilling with our melon and mattress pad purchases.

Gosh, that watermelon was the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. When we got home, I immediately chopped one in half, grabbed a spoon, and ate the entire half.

Also, in food news. Waffle House is effing delicious. I've never had it until a few weeks ago due to Ben's suggestion. The first waffle house seemed really greasy, and loud, but there is an EXCELLENT waffle house off of Pendleton Pike and 465 (fellow Indy-ans). I'm sold, and a believer.

While there, I read a great article about renting Christmas trees. Apparently, you pay a due and just return the tree after your family celebrates the holiday season. The trees are still potted and otherwise, look the same as any tree you can have chopped. Next year, Ben and I (plus baby) will be tree-renters. It just makes sense.

Moving Right Along

Long distance relationship sucks. Long-distance and pregnant = way worse. We, for the entire length of our relationship have only been away from each other 2 weeks at most. We've always had seeing each other in person set as a top priority. Seeing each other so often (plus our nightly skype date) has proved to be a life preserver for me at times. It's amazing what a hug can do.

Ben and I only have a week until we move him from Madison, Wisconsin, into my humble abode that is located in northern Indianapolis. It will be such a lovely day to switch from mechanically saying mine to saying ours. I greatly look forward to sharing my comfort zone and living space with my love. And man, it will be so great to not have to hug goodbye so often. 

Oh, Baby!

I've been super congested for 3 weeks. Apparently it's a pregnancy symptom. A way better pregnancy symptom than nausea, that's for sure! I felt the baby move again last night. It's my second "movement" experience. I look forward to them becoming more frequent. We are 16 weeks today. The baby is approximately 7 inches long, and I imagine them looking like their daddy. I hope that they are happy, healthy, and serene. I cannot wait to teach them and show them what love is, as we understand it.

Check out this awesome video to see what's happening inside my uterus. I know you do. ;-)

http://www.babycenter.com/2_inside-pregnancy-weeks-15-to-20_10308111.bc

Baby, Sex, and Thanksgiving

Knitting...

Presently, we are 15 weeks pregnant. When I last left you in this blog, we were only 5 weeks pregnant. It's amazing how fast life can change within a 10 week period. I mean, this whole experience started with surprise, fear, excitement; now we are more calm, excited, and nervous.

5 through 13 weeks were full of nausea and an overall food-dislike. It seemed like nothing was appetizing and everything that I ate was either tasteless, or downright inedible. One minute I would crave Sunkist, the next day I loathed the sight of Sunkist. I couldn't buy a week's worth of groceries without wondering what I was going to waste this week because I began to hate it. Also, paired with a food dislike, was an upset stomach if you ate too much. So if I finally found a food that I loved.... well the meal would be eaten over a period of hours versus a sitting. I would have an aching stomach pain if I was hungry, or if I ate too much.

FINALLY, last week happened. Every food I can think of is delicious. I mean delicious. I've never had better oranges, tastier spaghetti, the most appetizing pickles in all of my life. Now granted my senses have sort of flip-flopped from before, right? Weeks before, food sucked; now all food is delicious and more awesome than what it was before I was pregnant. I could get used to this I think.

Loves Obsessions: Pickles, oranges, green beans, corn, creamed corn, watermelon, spaghetti, pizza.

I literally eat a can of corn for lunch some days, and then I'm hungry an hour later. Gosh, I'm hungry all the time now.

Friday night, while I was talking to Ben on the phone, I felt the baby move for the first time! It was exactly how I've read it would be. It happened where my button is on my jeans. I was laying flat on my stomach, and then I felt like someone's hand was inside my stomach, just lightly moving around. Then it stopped. Minutes later, it happened again. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that our little person is growing healthy, seemingly happy.

Baby's Sex

In other news, Ben and I have decided to wait to find out the sex of the baby until birth. I cannot speak for Ben, but I feel like it's something that should wait. I didn't know that I would feel this way, but now that I'm pregnant, I have a strong urge to wait. I just got used to the idea that I am having a baby, and I want to keep that sacred. A part of me feels like once I know it's a girl or a boy; that I'll lose that connection to him/her being a baby. We're currently building a soul of a human being, that's healthy, and that's all I want to know in this stage.

Letting It Sink In

This past Thanksgiving, I traveled to Cincinnati with Ben to spend time with his family that lives in Milford (suburb of Cincy). We spent a couple days there, and we really had a good chance to relax. In doing so, Ben rummaged up some old photo albums of his family and when he was a baby. This is me, with my 14 week baby bump looking through the genealogy of my love. Lot's of photos, beginning with years before Ben was even thought of. I enjoyed the photos from Alan and Phyllis' (ben's parents) wedding a lot too! It is such a lovely family, a wonderful history, and I felt lucky to get to peak into the Kilbarger's family past.

Ben aka Captain Awesome

As Ben shot this photo of me, he said something along the lines of, "This can go in our family album, so that our children can look back on us too." That's when it sunk in. Ben and I are a family. And even though this person has not greeted us yet, they are the beginning of our family, the beginning of our family history, the beginning of our own family albums.

When I looked at photos of Ben as a child, it makes me so anxious to want to meet our little person. Who will they look like? Who will they act like? What will they like to do? Gosh, looking at the photo to my left, I can't help but be reassured that they will be stinking adorable.

I cannot wait to kiss their little face, bite their cheeks, read to them, hold them, teach them, paint with them, hear them giggle, hold their hand, comfort their worry, sing to them, love them. 25 weeks to go.

The Knitting Continues...

(continues from my last post)

The Doctor

On September 19, our lives were forever changed with the reading of our pregnancy test. Within the next two days, Ben was by my side as we scheduled our first doctor visit. Immediately Ben and I had to hit the ground running with trying to find adequate health care (as I was not covered at the time), and finding a good OB/GYN. I set up an appointment with a doctor that was accepting new patients at Community Hospital North.

On Friday, Ben and I anxiously attended our first appointment with a list of questions, some for the doctor, some for each other. Just as Ben and I are discussing marriage, insurance, and how we are building a human; a later 30's woman, black hair pulled back, knocks on the door. When she opens she greets Ben and I and our nervous faces. After a series of questions, we discuss symptoms (which I had ALL of them: you name it I had it), what our future will look like with her care, and asked questions, lots of questions. "What can I eat when I'm nauseous? Can I work out? What medicine can I take? Are their insurance ideas if my work won't cover me due to a pre-existing condition?" Dr. Linn took great care in answering all of our questions with a smile on her face. Excitement was in the air that day. Then, Dr. Linn said that we would be able to get an ultrasound, if we were up for it. "Uhm, yeah! Considering I don't even believe I'm growing a baby," is what I was thinking. How can my body be doing things that I am not controlling??

Ben grabs my hand as we see our baby for the first time. A little sac is all we see on the screen. The technician assures us that this was completely normal for a 4.5 week pregnancy. She zooms in and takes pictures of our sac, aka baby, plus a few measurements of our baby's humble home, my uterus.

How does a sac turn into a grown human one day? How does this little concoction of love and ingredients grow into a child? Immediately I feel a strong connection to Mrs. Wrights 7th grade anatomy class, and wishing that I was still an expert at cell division.

The days to follow included a lot of reading. Ben purchased, What to Expect When You're Expecting, for me to embrace. Which I did, lovingly.

The picture shown to your right, is the first picture that Ben and I took as parents (knowingly being parents anyway). It was the day that Ben and I layed down to dig into, "What to Expect..." for the first time. I remember the first section we flipped to was about symptoms, a sort of checklist. "Yep, have that one, and that one, and that one, and that one."


You're pregnant? When are you getting married?

Something about being able to create a life out of love making is perfection to me. Finally, something is right in the world. You would think that an unexpected pregnancy would be unwanted; but not once have I felt that way. You grow up being taught that being pregnant and not married is a BAD thing. I am in no way supporting baby making without being married. But after being married, and finding out the hard and painful way that marriage is not permanent, no matter the committment you made; I have found that love is not defined by a piece of paper. I love my partner with all of my heart, and being married to him would not change an ounce of that sincerity.

Ben and I do plan to marry, when the time is right. Many disagree and say that a baby is the perfect time; a perfect time to rush into a life long commitment doesn't sound like something adds up to me. Ben deserves all of me on our wedding day, not a bride that is half doing it because it's what society tells us to.

...Gosh, I look foward to the day that I marry my love, my partner, the father of my child.

I'm Knitting A Baby Together!!

I told you that I would have more to say one day. That day has come, as Ben and I have finally decided to share our wonderful news!

We are pregnant!

It was unexpected, however, welcomed. I've never felt so crazy, happy, terrified, excited, anxious, loving, nervous, careful, in all of my life. I would not trade it for the world. The idea of building a person with my love is indescribable. This experience has taught me a lot, and it's only be 13 weeks.

So far, or mainly:
1.) Life is unexpected. It does not matter how much I plan, and set my life up for that plan; I have no control of the big picture. For the last 3 years, life has slapped me around quite a bit. As soon as I have felt like I have gotten my feet on the ground, something happens to send it in a tail spin. I have embraced that I don't have control, and have heeded the message loud and clear.

2.) Ben is a blessing to my life. For those of you that don't know, Ben helped me 75% of the way out of the pain of my divorce. From the moment that I met him, he has been my best friend and able to be my partner in life unlike anyone I've met.

You may be wondering....
How Did We Find Out?

Considering that Ben lives in Wisconsin, and I in Indianapolis, Ben and I live on skype. This night was no different. On September 19, I nervously broke the news to Ben that I was a few days late.  I knew something was up because my body is like clockwork with everything. Ben's reaction was, "Don't worry babe, just go to CVS, get a few tests, and meet me back here  (on skype) in 20. We'll take them tonight."
...
I return with the tests, call Ben, and here we are anxiously awaiting the beginning of "testing" to see if we're pregnant. I had to read the directions (as it was my first time to take a test), and then we were off. Ben waited on the computer screen while I completed the tests. The pregnancy test requires you to wait a bit of time, so I rejoined Ben and we waited together.

After one minute, I returned to the bathroom, saw 2 positives, 0 negatives! I instantly screamed, then began sobbing, and doubled over on the floor. I do want to remind you that we were not planning for a baby, which explains my sheer panic. After a minute, Ben called for me from the computer. I delivered the news and have never seen a man smile as soulfilled as he did.

We were pregnant. Pregnant with our first child. Ben and I had discussed raising a family together quite a few times before our news, but not quite so soon. Ben has put it like this, "We've always planned to have these adventures together, but we are just doing them in a different order." I like this philosophy.

(All days after September 19 will be continued soon...)

Hello World

Here we are, my very first blog. I will have a lot more to say eventually, but as for today, I wanted to say hello and welcome to my life. This blog will entail many vent sessions of happiness, frustration, depression, and triumph. If you are close to me, you understand that I am passionate about speaking up and being honest, and will use this site as another outlet. I look forward to many conversations to be created, and ideas to be shared. After all, we are all the same. Will write more soon.